July Fourth Weekend Wish (or Do?) List

With the arrival of the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and celebration of our country's birth... oh, no one outside of the military really cares about what July Fourth means, anyway, except for the extra day we get to have off and the free pass to overeat, drink, and be lazy. So what's on my wish list of things to do? Well, because I'm taking Friday off, I'll actually have a four day weekend. Woohoo! Read on and be jealous of what I hope to accomplish, suckers...

1. Sleep in.
2. Spend 13 hours watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
3. Finish reading The Iliad (Damn Zeus and his meddling!)
4. Go watch Batman Begins.
5. Play the lottery and win 70 million dollars.
6. Hang out with some friends and play cards.

Unfortunately, good timing has not been my best friend these days. This is what I'll probably end up doing:

1. Take my mother-in-law tile shopping. From one shop to another to another in search of the perfect color.
2. Talk to mom and getting a guilt trip for not visiting her.
3. Cut the grass.
4. Do grocery shopping.
5. Balance my checkbook.
6. Watch movies on the WE, Lifetime and Oxygen channels because someone will have hijacked the remote.

I'll consider the weekend a success if I can just do one out of the six things from the wish list. And actually, taking mom-in-law tile shopping isn't as bad as it sounds. Perhaps I've watched too many home improvement shows, but I want to make sure she chooses the right tile. I hope we find it before we run out of tile places.

Cartoon Memories: Starblazers

As a kid, I remember trying to stay as late at home as possible until my mom dragged me off to elementary school so that that I could watch Starblazers. All I could remember of the show as an adult were some pieces of lyrics ("We're off to outer space..." and "Star, Starblazers"), a giant battleship shooting a giant laser from its bow, and, well, the sense that it was a great show for some reason. When my wife and I signed up for Netflix, we discovered that the show could be rented on DVD! So far, we've seen about twenty episodes and I can honestly say that my boyhood recollections, or I should say my emotional recollections, were not entirely based on reality. And yet the show was miles ahead of American standards at the time.

It's basically a soap opera about a select group of astroanuts traveling from Earth to reach Iscandar. Why? An alien race known as the Gamillons (who look very much like humans except for the blue skin and for being totally evil) have been bombarding Earth with "planet bombs," preparing to occupy a human-less planet. Humans have decided to move below the surface to survive, but the radiation continues to seep down and will eventually kill everyone in one year. Another alien, from the planet Iscandar, offers the "Cosmic DNA" that will rid the planet of radiation. The United Nations creates a "Star Force" and retrofits the old battleship Yamato into a starship capable of delivering a devastating energy blast. The Yamato, now renamed the Argo, then blasts off into space to battle the enemy, reach Iscandar, and return home. And at the end of every episode, the narrator would countdown how many days the Argo had left to fulfill their mission.

It's unfair to compare contemporary animation to the 1978/79 show, but I'll do it anyway: the animation can be crude and rigid; the plotlines ridiculous and illogical; the episodes can also be dull at times. Despite some of these flaws, the episodes did explore ideas of self-sacrifice, the pain of leaving family behind, characters actually dying and survivors having to bear the agony of living, the ethics of holding back the truth and revealing painful secrets... I actually enjoyed watching the episodes (with more to come, thank you Netflix) and forgave how dated they looked because they spoke of adult themes.

I'm not quite show how they were able to evade American censors and show these episodes back in the late 1970s. Of course, I don't remember any of them in detail, so perhaps they were censored, but looking back on them, the episodes spoke quite gravely of war, environmental concerns and human friendship. Give yourself a chance to watch the show. You'll find yourself quite surprised at how ahead of its time the show was.

Blind, clumsy and stupid? Don't blame Viagra...

It's been in the news recently that a few dozen men who use Viagra have suffered blindness. Pfizer, the company that makes the product, disputed the accusations:

"After more than 10 years of rigorous clinical study and worldwide safety monitoring of a medicine used by more than 27 million men, there is no evidence to suggest a link between Viagra and blindness or other serious ocular events," said Joseph Feczko, Pfizer's chief medical officer. "In addition, several studies specifically looking into the effect of Viagra in the eye by Pfizer as well as independent ophthalmologic experts found Viagra to have no serious adverse effects on the eye." (New York, AP, 6/28/05)

Pfizer also went on to emphasize that the drug does not cause any of the following symptoms or problems:

1. Hairy or itchy hands.
2. Transformation into murderous werewolf.
3. Cheating on one's wife.
4. Loss of one year from preset lifespan through every ejaculation.
5. Inability to score Angelina Jolie, Jessica Simpson, or high school sweeheart.
6. Continued ugliness.

Hazardous duty in Iraq? Try being a Boy Scout!

It used to be taken for granted that boys joined the Boy Scouts to learn how to trap animals and light a fire. Unfortunately, recent news about lost boys suggest that perhaps they need to be more vigilant about their own safety... or perhaps the adults need to pay better attention.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. (AP) -- Shoes believed to belong to a 13-year-old Boy Scout were found in the fast-moving Yellowstone River, but Luke Sanburg was still missing and feared drowned. National Park Service officials said a search would continue Monday for the boy, who fell in the river Friday evening... Sanburg, of Helena, Mont., was pushing logs into the river with other Scouts on Friday when a log clipped his legs and knocked him into the river. He was last seen, head above water, floating toward a stretch of rapids, park officials said... Luke and six members of his troop were camping in the northern part of the park, about six miles from Gardiner, Mont., a park gateway. Three adults were with the boys. The disappearance came just days after 11-year-old Cub Scout Brennan Hawkins was found in good condition after spending four days wandering in the Utah wilderness.

Solution? I think the Boy Scouts of America need to rehire all those gay scout leaders who were forced out. I never heard of boys being misplaced before the right-wing purge...

MacGyver 2005, staring Tom Cruise

Back in the 1980's, ABC had a show called MacGyver, starring Richard Dean Anderson as a Jack of All Trades adventurer who could do amazing things with household junk, like stopping a radioactive leak with a bar of chocolate. Sort of like the Jasper Johns of television. Anyway, this morning, Tom Cruise sat with Matt Lauer and had an interesting exchange on the topic of medications and how Cruise uses junk religion, something called Scientology, to cure all the ills of society. In Scientology, as far as I can bear to understand, followers are discouraged from taking medications for any reason, including mental illness. Why? Because Scientologists are crazy people. Only crazy people refuse medications that can heal them. Anyway, here's an excerpt from an AP report on the interview:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Tom Cruise criticized NBC "Today" show host Matt Lauer on Friday when Lauer mentioned Cruise's earlier criticism of Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants. Cruise told Lauer he didn't know what he was talking about. "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do," Cruise said. The interview became more heated when Lauer, who said he knew people who had been helped by the attention-deficit disorder drug Ritalin, asked Cruise about the effects of the drug. "Matt, Matt, you don't even - you're glib," Cruise responded. "You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done... Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist. It is a religion. Because it's dealing with the spirit. You as a spiritual being. It gives you tools you can use to apply to your life."

In other words, Cruise the Scientologist is able to cut through all the research out there and basically conclude that only Scientology can cure your spirit and make you whole again. He has somehow found time in his busy life with Katie Holmes to read mountains of data and deliver us from the evils of medications. Terrific.

What else do you know besides psychiatry, Tom?

"Well, for one thing, the earth is shape like a penguin's ass. When it farts, we're all doomed. I've evaluated and read the research papers. That's what I've done."

That seems a bit far fetched, don't you think, Tom?

"You're glib. You don't even know what a penguin's ass feels or tastes like. You don't know the history of asses. I do."

But as a Buddhist, I find your religion to be both troubling and a con.

"Scientology is something you don't understand, man. It's like you could be a Kabbalist and be a Scientologist. It's like you could work from home stuffing envelopes and be a Scientologist. You could be a blind, mute retard and be a Scientologist."

I'm quite happy with my life.

"But Scientology gives you the tools you can use to apply to your life. Tools to take away your individuality, your ego, and your personality. Then all you'll need is a spaceship to take you to our planet where you'll be a living battery for our mechanical masters..."

Okay, Tom. Thanks for the tip. Now I'm just gonna walk over to there and kind of ignore you...

Shoebox letters, or Memories don't fade, they just turn brown

Last Saturday, while cleaning out my closet, I went through an old pile of letters stored in a torn, dilapidated shoebox. These letters were written to me by friends and family between 1988 and 1993, the years when I went off the college and the year following graduation and working for some real cash. I decided to save the ones that were most dear and interesting by storing them in plastic sheets and into binders so that I can read them in chronological order.

It brought out a great wealth of strong, emotional ties that had never totally gone away. Some of the events that folks write about, the sad and happy ones (there weren't too many, for some reason), don't seem as urgent or as important as when they were first read, for obvious reasons, of course. Yet I look upon the writers with some quaint appreciation because they had the time to tear themselves away from their lives (and they did not let it go undescribed...) and give a little something about what was going on around them.

One of my favorite is a letter my cousin wrote to me while he was serving in the first Iraq war, in 1991. He describes the boredom and threat felt while overseas, and though he never actually stepped into Iraq, having been stationed in Kuwait, he complains about military double-speak and the wish to return home. He even draws a cartoon of him standing on the end of the line, waiting to board a 747 that will fly him back to the U.S. How can one discard a bittersweet letter like that? He could easily have been recalled into duty for the second war had he not left the reserves. He was really lucky this time around. Not so the first time...

Other letters rip me up inside. Old high school friends with whom I no longer have contact. Those are the ones that make me wonder why I'd let them go. Or maybe we both did it together without realizing that one or the other should have written back. The letters don't explain what happened. They just mark the date that they were last sent.

I haven't kept all of them. I've destroyed nearly one-third. Some people I don't care to recall anymore. Others are letters that seem to repeat themselves. I've kept iconic ones, those that mark important moments, and those whose friendships I've held dear. A few will be friendships in memory only, sadly, and yet ironically won't grow old in the strictest sense of the word. They're sort of trapped in time. They'll be static with no growth or ending. Just a permanent pause...

On a brighter note (get it?), the letters have spurred me to get back in touch with a few friends. One I found by just typing her name on Google. After sorting out the right (write?) person, I emailed her and she contacted me. I wrote to another friend. This time, I did it the old fashioned way: by hand, by letter, via correo. I like email a lot. But I find that writing a letter by hand recalls a better, more civilized time that, while it may never have actually existed, should have.

Four legs good, two legs...still bad...

Imagine this: a lost child, kidnapped by evil men and taken into the wild, is rescued by a pride of lions that guard her until help arrives. They then melt back into the jungle. A plot to a new Disney movie? If only...

Police: Lions free kidnapped girl
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (AP) -- Police say three lions rescued a 12-year-old girl kidnapped by men who wanted to force her into marriage, chasing off her abductors and guarding her until police and relatives tracked her down in a remote corner of Ethiopia. The men had held the girl for seven days, repeatedly beating her, before the lions chased them away and guarded her for half a day before her family and police found her, Sgt. Wondimu Wedajo said Tuesday by telephone from the provincial capital of Bita Genet, some 560 kilometers (348 miles) west of the capital, Addis Ababa. "They stood guard until we found her and then they just left her like a gift and went back into the forest," Wondimu said, adding he did not know whether the lions were male or female. News of the June 9 rescue was slow to filter out from Kefa Zone in southwestern Ethiopia. "If the lions had not come to her rescue then it could have been much worse. Often these young girls are raped and severely beaten to force them to accept the marriage," he said. "Everyone ... thinks this is some kind of miracle, because normally the lions would attack people," Wondimu said. Stuart Williams, a wildlife expert with the rural development ministry, said that it was likely that the young girl was saved because she was crying from the trauma of her attack. "A young girl whimpering could be mistaken for the mewing sound from a lion cub, which in turn could explain why they (the lions) didn't eat her," Williams said. "Otherwise they probably would have done." The girl, the youngest of four brothers and sisters, was "shocked and terrified" and had to be treated for the cuts from her beatings, Wondimu said... Ethiopia's lions, famous for their large black manes, are the country's national symbol and adorn statues and the local currency...Despite their integral place in Ethiopia culture, their numbers have been falling, according to experts, as farmers encroach on bush land. Hunters also kill the animals for their skins, which can fetch $1,000, despite a recent crackdown against illegal animal trading across the country. Williams said that at most only 1,000 Ethiopian lions remain in the wild.

It makes me wonder why Humans deserve such a beautiful planet with its animals and views. For all our technology and intelligence, we're just savage and brutal as we were thousands of years ago. I guess that's why when my wife makes me watch sci-fi movies about the Earth being destroyed, I tend to root for Mother Nature... Heck, I was rooting for the big asteroid in Armageddon...

Serving bear to the homeless, or Goldilocks' revenge

I actually don't see what the problem is, but I guess there are health issues about serving bear to the homeless...

June 20, 2005
Homeless Shelter Stops Serving Bear Meat
JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) -- A Juneau homeless shelter has stopped serving donated bear meat after learning the state prohibits nonprofit groups from accepting wild game meats such as bear, fox and walrus. "We didn't know that it is illegal," said Jetta Whittaker, executive director of the Glory Hole. For years, the shelter accepted bear meat to supplement its meals for the homeless. The meat went into many recipes, including burgers, casseroles and spaghetti. But last year, Whittaker learned that serving it was contrary to rules set by the Alaska Department of Environmental Conservation. This year, it has meant turning down five offers of bear. "That was 250 pounds of ground meat I could use for spaghetti sauce," said Bob Thompson, operations manager of the shelter. "We are protein-poor." The Glory Hole rarely gets offers of deer because venison is more palatable to most people while bear meat has a stronger, wild smell, Whittaker said. Some of the people served by the Glory Hole said they miss meat of any kind. David Kelley, who is staying at the shelter, said he appreciates the three meals a day but he is tired of eating starchy vegetables. "I will eat whatever you put in front of me," Kelley said. "But you cannot live by starches alone."

I felt the donations were made in good faith and if it's illegal, well, then there's got to be a good reason. My only concern is that the folks running the shelter may not realize the double entendre inherent in the name of their shelter. Talk about bad taste...

I guess there are worse game meats to donate, such as:
* Ewok
* Wookie
* Yeti
* Sasquatch

There's a little bit of God in every can of paint. Brush not included.

Last week, Christian volunteers ranging in age from late teens to somewhere in late parenthood came to our agency and helped to give us a fresh coat of paint. I have to admit that when they came last year, I was exceptionally cynical, more so than I ought to have been. So I learned my lesson and was better organized this year. They worked for a few hours and really helped to make the tenants' doors look like new. They also sang a gospel for us after having lunch. So in a way, they kind of sang for their meal... but seriously, they were all genuinely sweet and good natured. They had already been in the city for about five days and they were planning to head to another state to do more volunteer work that evening. For all my snide comments about the religious right, I have to say that when Christians use their faith for good deeds, they can do some great things.

Their way of life, however, will always seem kind of foreign to me. And that's in a good way, in a way that speaks to the diverse beliefs that people have in our country of what it means to help others. I spoke briefly to one of the volunteers. He had been an engineer for 15 years before becoming a pastor. "That's when I got myself a real job." He truly believes in his work, in his charitable endeavors. Another pastor gave us a little monetary donation because "we just want to give something to you all." One girl wore a pro-life t-shirt but it advertised a women's health center. Still, I'm sure they all probably vote Republican. But that's okay because we didn't talk politics and just focused on their immediate work.

The tenants got along with them and had an opportunity to share some of their stories. I enjoyed observing the whole dynamic: a white, southern suburban Christian group coming to meet and help a community of northern, racially mixed mentally ill folks in an urban city. You don't have too many moments like these to draw optimism from, optimism for our country and how despite our differences, we still have good folks wanting to make a real difference, however small it is.

The rest of my favorite NYC movies of all time! Until the next one comes out...

Why do I go on in listing the rest of my favorite movies taking place in NYC? Because I love New York. I don't know why any would ever want to leave. I was having dinner with a friend last night and I advocated having NYC secede and becoming its own city-state. He agreed with me that unlike most other cities in the world, it can boast the best in the fields of art, literature, science, and finance. And it's not even the capital of a state or a country. But there is New York City, the economic engine of the United States. There are billions of dollars that come into NYC from the Feds, I admit, and without the money, the city would pretty much crash. But what a dream it would be...a nation of almost 9 million people controlling our own destiny. Could we be the new Florence, Milan, Athens?

Okay, here's the rest of the list...

6. Escape from New York - although nothing was ever filmed in NYC. Most of the actual sets were created in St. Louis and filmed in a real-life burned out neighborhood there. Scary, huh? But John Carpenter did create a great mood with Manhattan surrounded by a wall of concrete and the bridges mined to dissuade escape attempts. Infinitely better than Escape from L.A. because L.A. is just so uncool (not to mentioned a recycled plot, poor characters, and awful FX).

7. When Harry met Sally - the older I get, the less I like Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, which is funny because when I first saw the movie, I really enjoyed it and all of their other movies. But his voice grates on me now and she grows less appealing for some unknown reason. But I love their walks through Central Park, the Upper West Side, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

8. Hannah and Her Sisters - another Woody Allen movie. My favorite scene is the one in which Michael Caine and Barbara Hershey walk through Soho as they look for her favorite bookstore. Today, the warehouses that occupied the neighborhood in that scene are still there, but they're being inhabited by restaurants, bistros, chic hotels and gourmet markets.

9. Copland - Sylvester Stallone plays a small town sheriff across the Hudson River in New Jersey in a place where NYC's corrupt cops live. He has a perfect view of the city and watches with envy the cops who come home over the GWB but is pitied by them because of a hearing defect that disqualifies him from joining the NYPD. However, he goes head to head with them when he learns of a plot by the dirty cops to kill off one of their own and brings in the latter straight into NYPD HQ, a great scene and one that takes place just steps away from my old high school. Ah, good times...

10. Fame - a sort-of musical that takes place in the old High School of Performing Arts (now LaGuardia High School) populated with all the cool kids I wished I known growing up. Best scene? The entire high school with its dark walls, wooden stairs and cramped cafeteria. It was old and it smelled its age. And it looked so beautiful on film.

A special place in hell for dog owners...or there should be!

I'm not sure if this problem is unique to my neighborhood, but I find that dog owners seem to have little regard for the waste that their beloved pets leave behind on the sidewalk. For example, just yesterday afternoon, while walking back home from work, I encountered a middle-aged woman walking her dog on a leash followed by her son. As they were approaching me, I tried to bear right to walk around them. However, the dog intercepted me and forced me to stop. It then began pissing no less than six inches from me. Furious, I waited for the woman to apologize. Instead, she had turned her head to talk to her child.

What I wanted to say was: "Fuck you and your fucking dog, you fucking piece of self-important dog owner. I hope Ares kills your entire family before your eyes, maybe like in a flaming car crash."

What I said was: Nothing. I didn't want to embarass myself in front of a little kid. He should never have to see a stranger yell at his mother.

What I want to do: Pour antifreeze around the neighborhood and hope the stupid dog laps it up and dies in her arms.

What I will actually do: Glare at dog owners and wish them terrible, painful death.

My wife tells me that it's not the fault of the dogs. That the dog owners are just selfish people who don't care that when their dogs leave crap around the neighborhood, people actually step on it and find it a miserable time dealing with the crap that's stuck between the grooves in their shoes. That's why I don't care about whether or not there are dog runs in the city. Remove them all, I say. And force dog owners to take classes on how to manage their pets in a public environment so that they can get a "dog owner's" license. Dogs aren't people, people. They're domesticated animals with instinct and need to be supervised.

Whew! That's some crank blog...

With nothing better to write, here's a list of favorite NYC movies...

I don't know how bloggers do it, writing day after day about their lives, politics, the visions in their heads...how do they know what's interesting and what will bore the public? I've noticed lately that when I press the "Next" button, I have been encountering many "blogs" that really are just advertisements that link you to all sorts of products: horse racing, pharmaceutical products, porn, automobiles, porn... then there are the strange Singaporean ones with oversized anime characters that seem to reflect the sad mood and torment that these young Asian kids seem to indulge in. Anyway, I think my blog's not too bad. A bit simple in design and without graphics, kind of bland. That's okay. I'm trying to work on just trying to write something interesting everyday. This exercise seems to help clear my mind and steer me away from television. Oh, T.V., my first babysitter...

Anyway, speaking of entertainment, if you ever want to watch movies that take place in NYC, try any of the following:

1. Annie Hall: By far the best love letter to the city. Whenever I cross the GWB, I always remember the scene where Woody Allen and his friends also come off the bridge and merge onto the southbound Henry Hudson Parkway. I also enjoy the scene where Diane Keaton drives her VW Beetle northbound under the FDR in and out of traffic as Woody Allen nearly keels over from fright.
2. Manhattan: The second best movie to take place in NYC especially with the opening montage of the skyline. My favorite scene is the one that ends the movie, where Woody Allen meets Muriel Hemmingway in the lobby of her apartment building and tries to convince her not to go to France while she tells him that he's got to learn to trust that she might return. I love the ambivalence of the ending. I think it creepy now, though, that in this movie, Hemmingway plays a 17 year old just graduating from college...
3. Spiderman 2: The best scene is when Spiderman fights Doc Ock on an elevated train line going south along Manhattan and ending just where the South Street Seaport is located. Of course, there is no such line in real life, but I thought it was really cool. I could see Brooklyn across the river as the train nearly topples over the broken tracks...
4. King Kong: The Empire State Building. A giant gorilla. The evil paparazzi freaking out a shackled beast. Biplanes over the city. What kind of imagination thought of such hilarity and mixing it up together? I want to drink what he's having!
5. The Taking of Pelham 123: A hijacked train, cops and robbers shooting it out in the subway tunnels, a race to deliver money above ground through the streets of NYC...ah, the good old days when crime was out of control and the city was just seedy enough.

That's it for now. I'll be sure to include some more great NYC films. It wasn't a real top ten list, of course, but five is good enough to start with.

Batman Begins...thoughts of my own comic to movie wish list!

With the debut of Batman Begins on Wednesday, I am thankful that the last two Batman incarnations did not totally wipe away all hope for a renewed franchise. Christian Bale looks like the best actor yet to don the mantle. While I did enjoy the Michael Keaton version, I always felt that he seemed just a bit too soft. Bale looks the way Bruce Wayne should have on screen: young, athletic, stern, tragic. But the movie has also made me wonder what other comics should be considered for moviedom. How about:

Zatanna - a minor DC character whom I felt really hasn't been given a chance to develop. A raven haired magician who dons a half-tux and fishnet stockings, she regularly fought the occult by casting spells in backwards English. Joss Whedon should revisit the post-modern horror genre and cast Thora Birch who really needs a re-boost in her career after starring in the dreadfully plotted Dungeons and Dragons movie.

Mars, Texas - is the name of a Texan town full of little anthropomorphic animals and the young sheriff wannabe named Red, on account of her red hair, who battles the real but evil animal-trafficing Sheriff. She can also shoot rays from her fingers, I reckon. It's a little known indie comic written and drawn by Paul Dini, whose credit includes the Batman Animated series (the one aired during the 90s, not the current one with title music by The Edge). Turns out the animals were genetically mutated by accident to walk on their hind legs and speak with a Texan twang by radioactive waste from a nearby factory. Factories. Why'd it have to be factories? Anyway, cast Alyson Hannigan as Red (she did play one on Buffy TVS) and use CGI to create all the cute little animals.

Cloak and Dagger - are two runaways, a young black kid and a blonde girl, who, through the miracle of potent, illegal and experimental drugs given by really bad people, are transformed, respectively, into Cloak, ever hungry for men's evil souls whom he traps in his, uh, cloak, and the all white spandex clad, acrobatic Dagger who can purify men's corruption with painful, pure light in the form of, well, daggers. I believe they first appeared in a Spiderman comic but then had a small run and cult following. Anyway, with CGI, you can finally do justic to Cloak's ever-flowing, uh, cloak and Dagger's bright, well, daggers. Cast Scarlett Johansson as Dagger and a young, black actor with experience playing angst ridden characters, like J. August Richards.

I know no one will ever consider my picks. There really aren't enough fans who know or care about them. Still, that's what blogs are for. Dreams.

So France isn't our enemy?

Last week, I wrote a strongly worded critique of our country's entry and subsequent self-deluded reconstruction (or entrapment) in Iraq. I'd like to think my piece helped to influence some Conservatives into reconsidering their own hawkish stance:

WASHINGTON (June 12, 2005 - AFP) - A prominent lawmaker who prompted cafeterias in the US Congress to change the name of their french fries to "freedom fries" in anger over France's opposition to the Iraq war, has now turned against the conflict and wants a firm schedule on the withdrawal of US troops. Representative Walter Jones, a North Carolina Republican, has written more than 1,300 letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed in Iraq and will introduce legislation this week calling for a firm timetable on the withdrawal of US troops, ABC's "This Week" said Sunday. "This is what I believe is the right thing to do for our military first; and secondly, I think we are doing everything we can do in Iraq to give them an opportunity to have a democracy, to defend themselves," Jones told ABC. President George W. Bush's administration has refused to set a timetable on withdrawing its forces from the war-torn country. Asked about his change of heart on the war, Jones said he had attended two years ago the funeral of soldier, a married father of three, who was killed in Iraq. "That really has been on my mind and my heart ever since." He added: "When I look at the number of men and women who have been killed -- it's almost 1,700 now, in addition to close to 12,000 have been severely wounded -- and I just feel that the reason of going in for weapons of mass destruction, the ability of the Iraqis to make a nuclear weapon, that's all been proven that it was never there." "And my heart aches, quite frankly," Jones told ABC.

In the world of Republican politics, could one could argue that this is a case of waffling, flip flopping, and left-wing anti-Americanism? Sure it is, but you'll never here it from Fox News...

Government Pension Funds soon to invest in Comic Books

Over 100,000 financial planners in this country and the state of Ohio hires someone with a pitch for collecting coins?


TOLEDO, Ohio (AP, by John Seewer) -- A disastrous investment by the state in rare coins has erupted into both a financial and political scandal, with Ohio's Republicans running for cover and the Democrats seeing great opportunity. At least $10 million is feared missing from a $55 million fund that the Ohio Workers' Compensation Bureau set up in a risky and highly unorthodox foray into the buying and selling of coins. The investment was managed by coin dealer Tom Noe, a prodigious fundraiser who has showered contributions on Republicans in Ohio and beyond. In the past few weeks, a slew of Republicans, including President Bush and Gov. Bob Taft, have moved quickly to distance themselves from Noe by returning more than $100,000 in donations. The Democrats have seized on the scandal, hoping it will enable them to break the GOP's decade-long grip on Ohio state government next year and even help them retake the White House in 2008.

If this is how Republicans plan to fund retirement plans by speculating on commodities, let me suggest other less risky ventures:

1. Comics - But only Golden Age and select Silver Age, like Action Comics #1 Detective Comics #27 and Amazing Fantasy #15. Avoid any comics from the mid 1980s and on. Whole comic stores went under when they started hoarding newly minted Image comics and Superman #75, the "Death of Superman" issue. He was eventually resurrected (turns out he was just in a deep coma). Did anyone think he wouldn't?
2. Stamps - Few people have any interest anymore as far as I can tell. The hardest part of collecting them when I was a kid was trying to position the small sticky adhesives on the backs of them with just enough water. Too much and they just got soaked and pruney. If the government can get its Black Ops hands on the stamp with the plane flying upside down, we'll be able to take care of the trade deficit for the next, oh, 3 hours.
3. Off-Track Betting - If the government had only known that Giacomo, the 50-1 horse, would win the Kentucky Derby, we wouldn't be talking about cutting Social Security Benefits. We'd be talking about writing fat million dollar mansion checks to every man, woman, child and grandchild!
4. Beanie Babies - They're coming back. Aren't they?
5. Nazi occult artifacts - Can't the U.S. Treasury just sell off or lease the Ark of the Covenant hidden in their warehouse for a few billion dollars? One can only imagine other fantastical items in that warehouse... Thor's Hammer, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, a +5 Vorpal Blade longsword...

Alan the Barbarian? Or, one reason why parents don't name their kids Alan

Nobody seems to name their son Alan anymore. I don't necessarily blame them, actually. For one thing, there are several spelling variations on the name:

Alan (the only way)
Allen
Alen
Allan
Allen
Allyn
Alain (if you're French)

For another reason, in our celebrity-damaged society, no one really remembers an Alan being infamous or involved in anything too sexy. Let's go through some highlights of people with my given name, in order of increasing recognition:

Alan B. Shepard, Jr. - remember him, people? Former Mercury program astronaut, first American to travel into space, one of a handful of astronauts to actually go to the moon? Aww, you don't, do you?

Alan Ladd - okay, he's a little more popular. Longtime actor from the 30s to the early 60s, best known for his role as Shane, as in "Shane, come back!" But no one really watches his films anymore, so you probably wouldn't even recognize a still of him.

Alan Parsons Project - are they orchestral rock 'n roll? Synth pop? Who knows, but they made some pretty decent songs: Eye in the sky, Time, Don't answer me. Unfortunately, only dweebs like me who grew up in the 70s listening to AM ever really appreciated them.

Alan Smithee - not a real person. Just a name that directors use when movies are released by studios over their objections. For God's sake, why'd they have to use Alan? Is it because Alan sounds so...bland? Generic? What?!?!?

Alan Cummings - English actor. Has played some pretty creepy roles in Goldeneye, X-Men 2, Spy Kids 3D, Son of the Mask. On Broadway, he played the Emcee in Cabaret. Pretty successful, actually. But not in a Matt Damon or Brad Pitt sort of way. However, he's pretty witty.

Alan Rickman - another English actor. Most famously portrayed the German terrorist/bank robber Hans Gruber in Die Hard. The best villain of the three movies. Has also been in all sorts of other movies, like Galaxyquest, Dogma, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and all the Harry Potter films. However, I truly dig him in Truly, Madly, Deeply, a small film in which he plays a dead musician who comes back to the land of the living to help his widowed wife move on and find a new love. Seriously, don't watch this movie on your wedding anniversary. It'll bring up uncomfortable questions, like, "So, can I hook up with your brother after you die?"

Alan Greenspan - the Yoda of American economics. What the hell is he actually predicting? I don't know, but this gentleman can move markets and rates in ways that Al-Qaeda could only dream, all by just uttering a few words. He is the most powerful Alan out there. But no one's going to name their child after him. Well, just look at him. He's 800 years old!

There you go. As you can see, parents have no incentive to name their kids Alan. Nevertheless, I have the great fortune to know two other Alans who live in Masschusetts. Whenever I visit one of them, the other is also there. So can you imagine the confusion I find myself in whenever one of us is called out by another friend?

So maybe there is hope for the name Alan. By the way, it's a Celtic name that means "fair" or "comely." Great. Instead of it meaning "Bonecrusher" or "Great Leader of the 12 Tribes of Man," it's just a pretty boy adjective. Oh well.

Palpatine in 2008?

(From Op-Ed column, originally published in The Daily Coruscant News, June 8, 2005)

In a recent ABC News/Washington Post poll of the President's approval rating for the period 6/2 to 6/5/05, about 1002 Americans were asked the following question: "Do you approve or disapprove of the way George W. Bush is handling his job as president?"

The results:
48% Approved, 52% Disapproved and 1% Unsure

Contrast these results to about two years ago for the period 6/18 to 6/22/03:

68% Approved, 29% Disapproved, 4% Unsure

Hmm. So much for confidence in our leader in a time of war and economic uncertainty. Although Democrats are champing at the bit for 2008, I suggest that Chancellor Palpatine be given emergency powers by the Senate to take over the reins immediately. Why? Well, look at his approval ratings from the rest of the known universe:

99% Approved, 1% Disapproved & Dead

With the rebellion in Iraq out of control, can we still continue to place our faith in a Republican President when a Sith Lord would deal with them more efficiently by contracting South Korean labs to create clone warriors?

As a loyal trooper of the republic, rest assured that I and my 10 million identical buddies have full confidence in Palpatine to set the republic back on a course of security and justice for all.

Respectfully,

Trooper Cody
(You know, the one with the scar on the left side of my face)

Noooooooooooooooo! The death of Padme? No, just stolen Star Wars toys...

A disturbance in the Force of Jedi-betrayal proportion occurred yesterday...

Collector Wants 'Star Wars' Toys Back
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) -- Angry he is. Jason Scott wants his "Star Wars" collection back, including his 12-inch model of a beast called a tauntaun and his C3PO and Darth Vader carrying cases. And especially the original and rare "blue snaggletooth" figure that showed up in the first film's cantina scene. Scott said Monday that he's posted a $1,000 reward for his stuff, which was stolen last week from his padlocked storage unit inside his Lincoln apartment building. "These figures are vintage," he said. "Some were the hard-to-find 1985 figures" - like a Death Star play set, for example. Scott said he's posted reward notices around his apartment complex and remains hopeful, but the loss is uninsured. He'd been collecting seriously since 1994, and he said his 92-piece collection of action figures is only five short of the 97 total. He estimated the 92 pieces together could fetch $3,500 or more in an Internet auction. "It would be nice if the person just set the stuff back on my doorstep," Scott said. "Fifty percent of it is I want the person to get busted, but I want the stuff back more," he said. (June 7, 2005)

Likely suspects and reasons for stealing this fine, fine collection:

1. Mom. Unable to get rid of them when he lived with her, she finally fulfilled her destiny by bribing the superintendent for the key and backing up a dump truck next to the basement door. With a couple of hired help, Mom finally sealed the poor guy's childhood with the sound of plastic limbs snapping under the weight of X-Wing Fighters and AT-AT Walkers.
2. Wife. With recent catalogue purchases from Pottary Barn and Crate & Barrel, the old furniture needed to go somewhere. She probably didn't think he'd mind that she was creating some extra storage space for him, either...
3. Next door neighbor. While discussing their respective collection over shots of Cuervo Gold, Mr. Scott let slip that he had the coveted "blue snaggletooth" figure. To cover his crime, the neighbor broke into the storage unit and basically stole everything in there, selling what he did not want and keeping the rest. Look for the nieghbor to avoid Mr. Scott's mistake by storing his booty in a treasure chest containing Hitler's brain and cursed, Aztec gold...
4. Punk kid brother. In retaliation for years of wedgies, Indian rug burns and being left out of the cool "Star Wars Club" by his bigger brother, he and his own "Superfriends Club" broke into the storage unit, removed and sold the contents to a Columbian drug cartel to fund their new "Justice League Unlimited Club."

American G.I.: Fighting with honor but dying for what?

The crawl on CNN told me this morning that just over 1600 American soliders have perished fighting in Iraq. CBS' 60 Minutes last Wednesday informed me that untold tens of thousands return home with PTSD and unable or unwilling to seek mental health. Military recruiters are failing to reach monthly quotas as young adults decide against enlisting. America's ability to fight two fronts is reduced to just an academic exercise among West Point cadets and civilian armchair generals.

In a recent Op-Ed piece in the New York Daily News, one former policy writer suggested that to improve military enlistment, we should remind parents and young adults the importance of serving one's country as an honorable, higher calling.

I think our leaders would have better results if they hadn't committed the following acts of betrayal to our troops:

1. Overestimating Iraq's WMD capability (um, none?) and connection to terrorism (um, none?).
2. Entering Iraq with no strategy to deal with the insurgents. Bombs keep exploding. Pipelines keep going up in flames. Americans keep dying.
3. Insulting European allies for resisting the war and then humbly requesting reconstruction aid.
4. Lying about how certain American soliders fought and died. Remember Jessica Lynch, the young private who was part of a lost convoy that got ambushed and was lionized for shooting her weapon until there were no more bullets in her gun? Except that, of course, she hadn't and she told everyone that she was severely injured and unable to pull the trigger even once. And there's Specialist Pat Tillman, former Cardinals football player who quit sports after 9/11 and went to Afghanistan to fight and got killed in a shootout with the Taliban? Except that he had actually been killed by one of his own compatriots, but that story wasn't released until after a very public mourning service.
5. Curtailing services provided by the Veterans Administration and closing hospitals across the country.

Where is the nobility in fighting this war? The cause is missing. Soldiers are sent to fight an enemy they can't find. We have few friends there. The public is misled about how Americans are really dying. And when soldiers come back home, we don't spend the time or resources to take care of them.

We are wasting the honor, energy and lives of nearly 150,000 soldiers in a land and war that has no meaning. Why is it, then, that politicians find it difficult to urge more Americans to enlist?

Right up until our modern age, the sons of nobility led their troops and died on the same battlefield as their common recruits. Why, then, should the children of our new ruling class, the politicians, not do the same?

Enlist and show us how courageous you are.

Blogging H for H.E.R.O.

For those of you who didn't get my title, there was a D.C. comic back in the late 1970s or early 80s, I forget which, in which these two teenagers found a wrist dial and could randomly become any sort of superhero designed and submitted by readers. Well, the comic wasn't exactly popular and was cancelled because it was just silly and goofy. Anyway, I need your help in deciding what kind of Halloween costume to wear. I know, Halloween is four months away, but designing a costume takes time. And this will probably be my last year doing it, so I'd like to make a good go at it.

In 2003, I went as Golden-Age Flash. I got a WWI Doughboy helmet off E-Bay, carved out yellow plastic wings and velcroed it to the helmet, got a red top and had my mother sew a golden lightning on it. I put on blue jeans and put little paper wings on the sides of my shoes.
Pro: Real comic fans thought it was cool that I went old-school.
Con: There aren't too many Golden-Age comic fans anymore. When I told one confused party girl that I was "The Flash," she said "Flash Gordon?" And some other drunk chick tried knocking my solid steel helmet off my head because she didn't think it was real.

In 2004, I went as Silver-Age Green Lantern, that is, the one and only Hal Jordan's G.L. Getting the top was easy. Put on black tights. Got a pair of boots from Target and spray painted it green. Got a white mask and colored it green. Even got a cheap G.L. sort-of-glow-in-the-dark-ring off E-bay. The hardest thing to find, somewhat ironically, were the white gloves. Because I have man-arms, most of the white gloves I tried on were too small. Eventually I found a pair of cheap cotton ones somewhere in Massachusetts when visiting my sister and her husband.
Pro: Most people recognized G.L.
Con: In a dark bar, hardly anyone can make out green and black. My torso kind of danced around in a disembodied way, though.

Here are some ideas I've been floating around:
Judge Dredd - the British Comic version, not the damn Slyvester Stallone one. Now where can I find an eagle big enough to bolt onto my shoulder?
Hawkman - all I have to do is get into shape and build up a six-pack because he flies around shirtless. Urgh!
The Coned-Headed Jedi - the only hard part is making the cone. However, do I really want to walk around with a silly piece of plastic making lightsaber noises?
Ghostbuster - Combat boots, mechanic's suit, patch, backpack, tube and gun and there you go, back to the early 1980's. Now if I can just find a way to make the gun actually spray something, there'd be something to talk about...
Team Zissou - or just one member. I was trying to get some friends to go as the whole team, all of us wearing the red hat and light-blue uniforms, but they said it was too obscure. Obscure! We've all seen The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, haven't we? Haven't we?

So, any more bright ideas?

FBI Agent Mark Felt: Jedi Knight or Sith Lord?

A couple of days ago, Mark Felt revealed to the media that he was the one known as Deep Throat, the unnamed source who helped two Washington Post reporters to bring down a White House coverup of a break-in at the DNC HQ in the Watergate Hotel. More importantly, the media now wants to know your view of Mr. Felt: Hero or Villian? Jedi or Sith? Anakin or Vader?

Fox News has made its decision: they fancy him a lawbreaker, a disgruntled Second-in-Command who retaliated because he was passed over for the top FBI post, a scoundrel who revealed the truth only because he wants money.

But it was well known that the Nixon Administration was trying to sabotage the very investigation that Mr. Felt was leading. So he revealed his secrets to Woodward and Bernstein. I can't imagine Fox News or any other network suddenly surrendering their current "highly placed government sources." I think it is absurd and hypocritical that any news agency would villify Mr. Felt. Given a chance to hurt Democrats, I'm sure Fox News would love to get information from government employees that could embarass the opposition. In a society that values the role of the media as watchdog, we need government employees willing to blow the whistle, if only because our leaders are too willing to sacrifice the public trust for their own personal gain, to turn a blind eye, to make a situation "go away."

In the end, the real villians were those sent off to prison for their role in the Watergate scandal. They started the mess. Felt, Woodward and Bernstein only uncovered their tracks. And if Felt does want a few bucks, so what? Fox News and their commentators will make more money vomiting their polemic of double standards than the 91 year old retired agent will ever see before he dies.

My view: I believe that he did try to act honorably because he saw the Presidential abuse of power, so he was a minor hero. However, his legacy is marred because I believe he was convicted of spying on anti-government protest groups back in the 1970s. To be fair, no one is an angel and no one does anything without some impulse of self-interest. Maybe he did want a bit of revenge. So what? Tell me that Fox News doesn't enjoy bloodying up the Left. Tell me that all the Fox News commentators won't stay for less money when their contracts come up for renewal. Yeah, I didn't think so...

Dear Diary, I've decided to destroy the Earth...

I was just wandering on the Yahoo website when I found a top ten list of how one might be able to destroy the Earth. Would you like to know how? If so, click on the link below, you selfish bastard.

http://www.livescience.com/technology/10ways_destroyearth.html

I like the Earth myself. It's home to several people I hold quite dear to me. Seeing it destroyed would really ruin my day. Even evil people might not wish it to go away. Spike, that Brit Vamp from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, didn't want Hell on Earth either when given the opportunity to join in on the mayhem. Instead, he told Buffy about some of the things he liked, such as Piccadilly Square, Manchester United, and people, whom he described as "happy meals with legs," or something to that effect.

It is obligatory to say that I would miss my wife, of course. But I'd also miss playing cards and our little neighborhood cat who always comes into our bedroom after we come home from work, begging for pieces of ham and turkey (whichever meat we might have a surplus of). I'd miss the snails that cling to the aloe plant on our windowsill. And I'd miss those toys that come with the children's happy meals. I don't know why I still think it's cool to find a plastic toy in your lunch box.

I'd also miss Diane Sawyer from Good Morning America. My wife says that I have this obsession with her. I think she's just way classier than Katie Couric. Diane's skirts never end shorter than the bottom of her knees. Oh, Diane, the only regret I have is not having had a chance to go to 42nd Street and waving for your attention behind your head. If you ever see a giant Hello Kitty head bouncing up and down in front of the GMA window as you read from the teleprompter, you'll know it's me...