Dear Diary, I've decided to destroy the Earth...

I was just wandering on the Yahoo website when I found a top ten list of how one might be able to destroy the Earth. Would you like to know how? If so, click on the link below, you selfish bastard.

http://www.livescience.com/technology/10ways_destroyearth.html

I like the Earth myself. It's home to several people I hold quite dear to me. Seeing it destroyed would really ruin my day. Even evil people might not wish it to go away. Spike, that Brit Vamp from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, didn't want Hell on Earth either when given the opportunity to join in on the mayhem. Instead, he told Buffy about some of the things he liked, such as Piccadilly Square, Manchester United, and people, whom he described as "happy meals with legs," or something to that effect.

It is obligatory to say that I would miss my wife, of course. But I'd also miss playing cards and our little neighborhood cat who always comes into our bedroom after we come home from work, begging for pieces of ham and turkey (whichever meat we might have a surplus of). I'd miss the snails that cling to the aloe plant on our windowsill. And I'd miss those toys that come with the children's happy meals. I don't know why I still think it's cool to find a plastic toy in your lunch box.

I'd also miss Diane Sawyer from Good Morning America. My wife says that I have this obsession with her. I think she's just way classier than Katie Couric. Diane's skirts never end shorter than the bottom of her knees. Oh, Diane, the only regret I have is not having had a chance to go to 42nd Street and waving for your attention behind your head. If you ever see a giant Hello Kitty head bouncing up and down in front of the GMA window as you read from the teleprompter, you'll know it's me...