Alan the Barbarian? Or, one reason why parents don't name their kids Alan
Nobody seems to name their son Alan anymore. I don't necessarily blame them, actually. For one thing, there are several spelling variations on the name:
Alan (the only way)
Allen
Alen
Allan
Allen
Allyn
Alain (if you're French)
For another reason, in our celebrity-damaged society, no one really remembers an Alan being infamous or involved in anything too sexy. Let's go through some highlights of people with my given name, in order of increasing recognition:
Alan B. Shepard, Jr. - remember him, people? Former Mercury program astronaut, first American to travel into space, one of a handful of astronauts to actually go to the moon? Aww, you don't, do you?
Alan Ladd - okay, he's a little more popular. Longtime actor from the 30s to the early 60s, best known for his role as Shane, as in "Shane, come back!" But no one really watches his films anymore, so you probably wouldn't even recognize a still of him.
Alan Parsons Project - are they orchestral rock 'n roll? Synth pop? Who knows, but they made some pretty decent songs: Eye in the sky, Time, Don't answer me. Unfortunately, only dweebs like me who grew up in the 70s listening to AM ever really appreciated them.
Alan Smithee - not a real person. Just a name that directors use when movies are released by studios over their objections. For God's sake, why'd they have to use Alan? Is it because Alan sounds so...bland? Generic? What?!?!?
Alan Cummings - English actor. Has played some pretty creepy roles in Goldeneye, X-Men 2, Spy Kids 3D, Son of the Mask. On Broadway, he played the Emcee in Cabaret. Pretty successful, actually. But not in a Matt Damon or Brad Pitt sort of way. However, he's pretty witty.
Alan Rickman - another English actor. Most famously portrayed the German terrorist/bank robber Hans Gruber in Die Hard. The best villain of the three movies. Has also been in all sorts of other movies, like Galaxyquest, Dogma, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and all the Harry Potter films. However, I truly dig him in Truly, Madly, Deeply, a small film in which he plays a dead musician who comes back to the land of the living to help his widowed wife move on and find a new love. Seriously, don't watch this movie on your wedding anniversary. It'll bring up uncomfortable questions, like, "So, can I hook up with your brother after you die?"
Alan Greenspan - the Yoda of American economics. What the hell is he actually predicting? I don't know, but this gentleman can move markets and rates in ways that Al-Qaeda could only dream, all by just uttering a few words. He is the most powerful Alan out there. But no one's going to name their child after him. Well, just look at him. He's 800 years old!
There you go. As you can see, parents have no incentive to name their kids Alan. Nevertheless, I have the great fortune to know two other Alans who live in Masschusetts. Whenever I visit one of them, the other is also there. So can you imagine the confusion I find myself in whenever one of us is called out by another friend?
So maybe there is hope for the name Alan. By the way, it's a Celtic name that means "fair" or "comely." Great. Instead of it meaning "Bonecrusher" or "Great Leader of the 12 Tribes of Man," it's just a pretty boy adjective. Oh well.
Alan (the only way)
Allen
Alen
Allan
Allen
Allyn
Alain (if you're French)
For another reason, in our celebrity-damaged society, no one really remembers an Alan being infamous or involved in anything too sexy. Let's go through some highlights of people with my given name, in order of increasing recognition:
Alan B. Shepard, Jr. - remember him, people? Former Mercury program astronaut, first American to travel into space, one of a handful of astronauts to actually go to the moon? Aww, you don't, do you?
Alan Ladd - okay, he's a little more popular. Longtime actor from the 30s to the early 60s, best known for his role as Shane, as in "Shane, come back!" But no one really watches his films anymore, so you probably wouldn't even recognize a still of him.
Alan Parsons Project - are they orchestral rock 'n roll? Synth pop? Who knows, but they made some pretty decent songs: Eye in the sky, Time, Don't answer me. Unfortunately, only dweebs like me who grew up in the 70s listening to AM ever really appreciated them.
Alan Smithee - not a real person. Just a name that directors use when movies are released by studios over their objections. For God's sake, why'd they have to use Alan? Is it because Alan sounds so...bland? Generic? What?!?!?
Alan Cummings - English actor. Has played some pretty creepy roles in Goldeneye, X-Men 2, Spy Kids 3D, Son of the Mask. On Broadway, he played the Emcee in Cabaret. Pretty successful, actually. But not in a Matt Damon or Brad Pitt sort of way. However, he's pretty witty.
Alan Rickman - another English actor. Most famously portrayed the German terrorist/bank robber Hans Gruber in Die Hard. The best villain of the three movies. Has also been in all sorts of other movies, like Galaxyquest, Dogma, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and all the Harry Potter films. However, I truly dig him in Truly, Madly, Deeply, a small film in which he plays a dead musician who comes back to the land of the living to help his widowed wife move on and find a new love. Seriously, don't watch this movie on your wedding anniversary. It'll bring up uncomfortable questions, like, "So, can I hook up with your brother after you die?"
Alan Greenspan - the Yoda of American economics. What the hell is he actually predicting? I don't know, but this gentleman can move markets and rates in ways that Al-Qaeda could only dream, all by just uttering a few words. He is the most powerful Alan out there. But no one's going to name their child after him. Well, just look at him. He's 800 years old!
There you go. As you can see, parents have no incentive to name their kids Alan. Nevertheless, I have the great fortune to know two other Alans who live in Masschusetts. Whenever I visit one of them, the other is also there. So can you imagine the confusion I find myself in whenever one of us is called out by another friend?
So maybe there is hope for the name Alan. By the way, it's a Celtic name that means "fair" or "comely." Great. Instead of it meaning "Bonecrusher" or "Great Leader of the 12 Tribes of Man," it's just a pretty boy adjective. Oh well.
posted by Alan at 12:46 PM
5 Comments:
Don't worry, Alan. I don't think anyone is going to accuse you of being a 'pretty boy.' Luckily they also won't accuse you of being a 'bonecrusher.'
- sean
Hey, I wanna be a bonecrusher. Or at least a Shinsplinter...
You forgot:
Alan Alda (Emmy winner and Academy award nominee most recently for "The Aviator"
Alan Ball (Academy award winning writer of "American Beauty" and creator/writer of "Six Feet Under"
Alan Arkin (actor extraordinaire)
Alan King (comedian extraordinaire)
Alan Thicke (uhh... I guess I should have stopped at Alan King)
Still that's a lot of Alans and that's just in the entertainment industry.
Hmm...point taken. I guess there are a few cool Alan dudes around. I guess I feel a little better. No action stars among the lot, though. Wasn't the lead character played by Sam Neil in Jurassic Park named Alan? Sure, but most viewers wouldn't remember that, would they? Oh well.
When the movie about your life is finally made I'm sure we will see: Arnold Scwarzenegger is Alan Hom in...
- sean
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