Congress to cut war funding; Bush applies for HELOC loan

(AP) As Congress pushed ahead to pass a bill withdrawing funding from the war in Iraq, President Bush went ahead with Plan B and took possession of all privately owned homes in America through eminent domain. White House spokesman Tony Snow sought to downplay this unprecedented move: "Listen people, the bottom line is that right now, the war is costing us $180 billion dollars a year. The total real estate mortage is, what, $6 trillion dollars? Oh baby, we could stomp Al Queda and all those goddamn insurgents all day and night long. We'd never leave! I mean, eventually, of course..."

Subprime mortgage lenders also looked forward to the U.S. Government as its biggest, and only customer. Said one lender who wished to remain anonymous: "You'd think the government would default on a loan? I think not. Besides, the People of the United States can be assured that we can arrange a modest 6.5% on a 30 year adjustable mortgage. Add a HELOC loan with an introductory rate of 7.75% for the first six months, I think America can buy itself out of this war in a matter of months. If not, well, I guess Congress can just raise taxes to pay the exorbitant rise in interest rates next year."

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, vacationing overseas, was reached for comment. Just before collapsing, he was heard to mutter: "Oh. My. God."

Blogger returns to own blog 18 months later, finds USA still stuck with Bush

This blogger returns after a self-imposed exile, having found new employment, watched the birth of his first child, and tickled himself pink over watching her grow from a little hungry, sleepy lump into a little walking terror. His job now done, having laid down the seeds for a malevolent power queen who will control and destroy all that is good on this dark, sorry planet, the blogger reclaims his throne only to discover that no one has missed him at all... it's true. Zero people bothered to even glance at this blog. But who is to blame but the blogger himself. If only he hadn't forgotten his password. If only he hadn't given up trying all sorts of combinations. If only the epiphany that finally brought back the key to his realm had happened months ago instead of last night...

Anyway, so what did I miss?

1. The country is still at war in Iraq. More troops are being sent in because, um, we' re losing. But if we retreat, then we'd really lose even more, so they say. Wow, if this doesn't sound like a gambling addiction, I don't know what is.

2. Tony Snow goes from Fox News fake reporter to real life White House spokesman. I think this bodes well for a Jon Stewart State Department appointment. Which I like.

3. Alberto Gonzalez, the Attorney General, is under fire for removing Federal Prosecutors who belonged to his own party for doing their jobs as loyal Americans, not as Republican lackeys and sweeping corruption under the rug. But these prosecutors were protecting our interests and keeping our country safe, weren't they?

4. Battlestar Galactica is still on the air. Yeah! Take that American Idol and Grey's Anatomy and... oh, they have better ratings. So what? I still like Earl Grey frakin' hot! And no lemons with that tea, please.

See you next time. If I still remember my password. Please visit often. Please?