Pat Robertson shoots self in head. Unfortunately, this is not true...

Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coaltion of America and Divine Broadcast Anchor for the 700 Club, called for the U.S. to assassinate a head of state yesterday during his broadcast: "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator...It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with [to stop Venezuela from becoming] a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism." In the past, he has also advocated blowing up the State Department with a nuclear bomb and claimed that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians" (AP 8/23/05).

I caught up with God as He was arriving in Galaxy 24601 some 1701 light-years away to oversee a reconstruction project. Rumor had it that he was planning to create new life on an already inhabited small, blue marble-like planet. The old, living beings still there had finally pissed Him off and He had yet to decide whether to employ Flooding or Pillars of Sand to remedy the problem when we sat down for tea.

I asked how He felt about Pat Robertson's decree. "You realize that I have nothing to do with that nonsense," He said, sipping his iced vanilla chai. "I had enough of the killing people in My Name ever since the Inquisition spiralled out of control. I toyed with the idea again just as the Salem Witch trials were beginning, but then people just couldn't stop with the burning and hanging and general torturing. The Crusades were kind of cool, for the first hundred years or so. I was pretty popular then and I guess I liked the attention. But when children started getting drafted to fight well armed veterans, well, it put a rather dark, black eye on the whole adventure. Now this idiot is trying to mix politics and religion again on the world stage. What the hell is wrong with you humans? For My sake, cut the crap, start helping out the poor, the hungry and the needy, and stop with the hating.

"Really, I've got the whole of existence to worry about. Can you imagine what would happen to a star system if I create a black hole too close to it? Or what would occur if I accidentally moved the decimal point from Planck's Constant one place to the right? Oh my Me, Armaggedon before it's time, that's what!

"Listen, if I have to turn my attention to you people again, it won't be pretty. I've had it up to here," He gestured, raising his infinitely long arms beyond the pale blue horizon. "I've never met a more self-righteous bunch of hooligans than the ones I've created on your planet. I suppose I should have included your address in my monthly newsletter to better guide you all... but you have so much potential!"

One of the angels approached Him, the one with four heads, and gave him a handwritten note. God got up and told me to visit again. There was a teamster strike that he had to take care of. I thought I heard him mutter, "Darn that Hoffa, how much more am I gonna have to kickback..."

We are Turbo Cranium Champions!

Yesterday afternoon, my wife and I squared off against two other couples in a game of Turbo Cranium, a boardgame where you move your game piece around the board and try to answer questions from a variety of categories. Some categories required that you perform an action or draw an image and in turn, your teammate was required to guess what the answer was. Andrew and Heather, the host of Sunday's game afternoon, were in the lead but we managed to come from behind and win! Mike and Maria, the third couple, came in last. But to be fair, they did get some tough questions and charade-type assignments that were hard to guess.

We've tried different games in the past: Trivial Pursuit, Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Boardgame, Clue, poker, Scene it, Monoply, a Western shootout card game named Bang! But Cranium seems to be the most fun so far. We always laugh really hard when we watch one other guessing what the ridiculous doodle must look like.

When I was younger, I used to play D&D and all sorts of other RPGs. However, with time so short and life a bit more stressful, I like being able to play a simple boardgame that's fun, not too cutthroat, and requires little or no preparation to set up.

I'm afraid my RPG days are far behind me.

Join Danny's nation (located in a flat somewhere in London, I think...)

If you don't like being an American but can't or won't go to Canada, consider becoming a citizen at the following website: www.citizensrequired.com . There's a fellow named Danny who's somehow signed up about 24,000 people to join his country. He's proclaimed himself King. First come, first serve, I guess. Anyway, he's come up with a lot of different government departments and none of them sound vaguely dangerous at all, such as the Department of Getting Along with Others. If I read it right, his website also suggests that he has his own show about his "country" on the BBC.

Usually when a person declares a nation-state in America, it's either a Mormon or Apocalyptic enclave of folks with too many wives, guns, and aluminum hats. Then the FBI and ATF get involved and everyone kind of dies.

Not in King Danny's country. People seem kind of friendly and tolerant toward their not-so-horrific or murderous leader. Well, it's kind of early in the new monarchy. We'll see if there'll be any palace intrigue...

English horse breaks Madonna's body. Cites her fake accent as cause.

As everyone has heard by now, the planet Earth helped to break Madonna's fall from a horse yesterday. The landing, however, proved to be a wee rough...

NEW YORK - (AP - 8/16/2005) Madonna's 47th birthday celebration was marred Tuesday when she suffered several broken bones in a horse riding accident at her country home outside London, her publicist told The Associated Press. The superstar was treated and released from a hospital after sustaining three cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and a broken hand, according to Liz Rosenberg, her spokeswoman based in New York. Madonna's husband, director Guy Ritchie, took her to the hospital, Rosenberg said. The accident occurred Tuesday at Ashcombe house, the couple's 1,354-acre estate about 100 miles southwest of London. Madonna and an assistant were riding when Madonna, on a horse she wasn't accustomed to riding, took a tumble. Her children, Rocco and Lourdes, were at the home but weren't with her at the time, Rosenberg said.

I find it funny how the spin on the story is about how it was the horse's fault, and not her own poor horsemanship, that caused the accident. It seems to infer that the horse had some eccentricities that surprised Madonna. Perhaps the horse just didn't feel like celebrating her birthday?

Action girl names for a (maybe?) girl

If we have a daughter, I'd like her to be brave, obnoxious, and intimidating. Towards other people, of course. She will always be sweet and cute to her pop-pop. That's the hope.

It'd be kind of cool if she had some comic-mutant abilities as well. Telekinesis would be nice when it comes to carrying the grocery or lifting me to the nearest emergency room.

But baby's got to have a name first. So to continue from yesterday's blog of baby names, I have come up with ten girlie names:

1. Alexandria
2. Dorothy
3. Elizabeth
4. Harley
5. Lana
6. Lauren
7. Madeleine
8. Natasha
9. Penelope
10. Selena

Some rejected names from well-wishing friends and family included: Leela, Antonia, and Jean Grey, Destroyer of Worlds.

Most of the names are pretty normal, save Harley. I'm not that crazy to name a kid Apple or Pilot or Rumor.

So, if all goes well, we should know the sex of the baby in a couple of months. In the meantime, I must make sure to feed wifey well and keep her happy. That means tuning out news that has to do with George W. Bush, Karl Rove, Republicans, the War in Iraq, and pretty much everything bad about America. We've been watching Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Rescue Me, and reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.

We find that fantasyland is so much healthier for her mental health.

Baby names, hopes and dreams... of world conquest!

It was terribly fun to post nearly every day, working for my pittance of recognition and self-worth. Then came the heat, the work at work, and a weekend visit with dear wifey to my sister and brother-in-law. I also missed Friday's Battlestar Galactica because I was just too tired to watch! Argh! That's okay, though. I taped it.

But now I've a few minutes to spare. To plot. To take over the world... through our soon to be born child. Hopefully sometime in February of 2006. Actual global domination might not occur until sometime after his or her 21st birthday, or 8th if possessed by Satan.

First, I've got to come up with a name. As with most couples, disagreements can break out over what to name a child. I came up with a fair way to decide, which my wife agreed to in between rolling her eyes. Here are the details: we come up with 10 names apiece for both a boy and a girl. We get to strike 5 names from each list without giving a reason. This leaves us having to fight over only 5 boy and girl names each.

My list of boy names include the following:
Alexander
Andrew
Arthur Wellesley
Bruce
Eric
Hamilton
Joshua
Montgomery
Morgan
Oliver

I shall list girl names tomorrow.

Genghis and Kublai were offered by my brother in law. They might make cooler middle names.

Racial profiling in NYC transit security: Should Muslims wear crescent moons on lapels?

Two NYC politicians recently urged NYPD to begin racial profiling of those using the NYC Transit system in order to catch possible terrorists.

(Aug 3, 2005 10:40 am US/Eastern)(1010 WINS) (NEW YORK)
The city began examining passengers' bags on subways and buses after the second bomb attack in London two weeks ago. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and Mayor Michael Bloomberg have said several times that officers will not racially profile. But over the weekend, state Assemblyman Dov Hikind said police should be focusing on those who fit the "terrorist profile.'' "They all look a certain way,'' said Hikind, a Democrat from Brooklyn. "It's all very nice to be politically correct here, but we're talking about terrorism.'' And on Tuesday, City Councilman James Oddo, a Republican from Staten Island, said that his emotions relating to the Sept. 11, 2001, World Trade Center attack by Middle Eastern men in hijacked airplanes caused him to publicly declare his support for Hikind's statements. "The reality is that there is a group of people who want to kill us and destroy our way of life,'' he said. "Young Arab fundamentalists are the individuals undertaking these acts of terror, and we should keep those facts prominently in our minds and eyes as we attempt to secure our populace.'' Oddo commended Hikind for "rushing headlong against the strong undertow of political correctness.'' Hikind said he planned to introduce legislation allowing police to racially profile, and Oddo said he intended to introduce a resolution in the City Council supporting the measure.

Do all Arab terrorists look alike? Judging from the attacks that occured in London, the answer is no. At least three had dark skin and were from African nations and Jamaica. In addition, their ages ranged from early twenties to mid-thirties. I might add that some Islamic terrorists may appear "Jewish." What this means, I don't know, but I dare say that Arabs and Jews come from the same part of the world. If a terrorist wanted to avoid looking "Arab," why wouldn't they just shave their beard and moustache, dress in the dark suits of Hassdic Jewish men, and carry a briefcase full of explosives and nails?

If such a Trojan horse strategy worked, would Assemblyman Hikind mind if the NYPD started targeting just Jewish-looking men?

For that matter, why not target all Italian-looking men for suspicion of being in the Mafia? Terrorism is awful, but so is organized crime. How much damage is inflicted on the economy by mob-run construction companies, drug running, and illegal gambling?

Targeting a whole community sounds tempting and simple. But in the end, it isn't the best way to stop terrorism. After all, after the U.S. Government locked up all the Japanese-Americans during WWII, the Japanese Empire still killed thousands on G.I.s in the Pacific. Ironically, young kids in the concentration camps enlisted in the military to fight in Europe. The real problem is that our intelligence agencies aren't good enough to locate the real terrorists.

That leaves simple minded blowhards like Dov Hikind come up with policies that do nothing but punish people just for looking like an Arab. I mean, should Arabs walk with crescent moons pinned on their clothing? Will that make the police efforts to check their bags simplier? Why not just make it a law that all Arabs should report daily to their local precincts?

Dov Hikind. Dumbass.