Pat Robertson shoots self in head. Unfortunately, this is not true...
Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coaltion of America and Divine Broadcast Anchor for the 700 Club, called for the U.S. to assassinate a head of state yesterday during his broadcast: "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator...It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with [to stop Venezuela from becoming] a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism." In the past, he has also advocated blowing up the State Department with a nuclear bomb and claimed that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians" (AP 8/23/05).
I caught up with God as He was arriving in Galaxy 24601 some 1701 light-years away to oversee a reconstruction project. Rumor had it that he was planning to create new life on an already inhabited small, blue marble-like planet. The old, living beings still there had finally pissed Him off and He had yet to decide whether to employ Flooding or Pillars of Sand to remedy the problem when we sat down for tea.
I asked how He felt about Pat Robertson's decree. "You realize that I have nothing to do with that nonsense," He said, sipping his iced vanilla chai. "I had enough of the killing people in My Name ever since the Inquisition spiralled out of control. I toyed with the idea again just as the Salem Witch trials were beginning, but then people just couldn't stop with the burning and hanging and general torturing. The Crusades were kind of cool, for the first hundred years or so. I was pretty popular then and I guess I liked the attention. But when children started getting drafted to fight well armed veterans, well, it put a rather dark, black eye on the whole adventure. Now this idiot is trying to mix politics and religion again on the world stage. What the hell is wrong with you humans? For My sake, cut the crap, start helping out the poor, the hungry and the needy, and stop with the hating.
"Really, I've got the whole of existence to worry about. Can you imagine what would happen to a star system if I create a black hole too close to it? Or what would occur if I accidentally moved the decimal point from Planck's Constant one place to the right? Oh my Me, Armaggedon before it's time, that's what!
"Listen, if I have to turn my attention to you people again, it won't be pretty. I've had it up to here," He gestured, raising his infinitely long arms beyond the pale blue horizon. "I've never met a more self-righteous bunch of hooligans than the ones I've created on your planet. I suppose I should have included your address in my monthly newsletter to better guide you all... but you have so much potential!"
One of the angels approached Him, the one with four heads, and gave him a handwritten note. God got up and told me to visit again. There was a teamster strike that he had to take care of. I thought I heard him mutter, "Darn that Hoffa, how much more am I gonna have to kickback..."
I caught up with God as He was arriving in Galaxy 24601 some 1701 light-years away to oversee a reconstruction project. Rumor had it that he was planning to create new life on an already inhabited small, blue marble-like planet. The old, living beings still there had finally pissed Him off and He had yet to decide whether to employ Flooding or Pillars of Sand to remedy the problem when we sat down for tea.
I asked how He felt about Pat Robertson's decree. "You realize that I have nothing to do with that nonsense," He said, sipping his iced vanilla chai. "I had enough of the killing people in My Name ever since the Inquisition spiralled out of control. I toyed with the idea again just as the Salem Witch trials were beginning, but then people just couldn't stop with the burning and hanging and general torturing. The Crusades were kind of cool, for the first hundred years or so. I was pretty popular then and I guess I liked the attention. But when children started getting drafted to fight well armed veterans, well, it put a rather dark, black eye on the whole adventure. Now this idiot is trying to mix politics and religion again on the world stage. What the hell is wrong with you humans? For My sake, cut the crap, start helping out the poor, the hungry and the needy, and stop with the hating.
"Really, I've got the whole of existence to worry about. Can you imagine what would happen to a star system if I create a black hole too close to it? Or what would occur if I accidentally moved the decimal point from Planck's Constant one place to the right? Oh my Me, Armaggedon before it's time, that's what!
"Listen, if I have to turn my attention to you people again, it won't be pretty. I've had it up to here," He gestured, raising his infinitely long arms beyond the pale blue horizon. "I've never met a more self-righteous bunch of hooligans than the ones I've created on your planet. I suppose I should have included your address in my monthly newsletter to better guide you all... but you have so much potential!"
One of the angels approached Him, the one with four heads, and gave him a handwritten note. God got up and told me to visit again. There was a teamster strike that he had to take care of. I thought I heard him mutter, "Darn that Hoffa, how much more am I gonna have to kickback..."
posted by Alan at 9:24 AM
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