Man vs. Apes: So it begins...
(Reuters - The Pentagon)
Apes, monkeys and their simian cousins have long been considered mankind's unlucky evolutionary lottery relations: rude, simple and remarkably useless, they have been kept safe in preserves and zoos for our children to gawk at and pity. But with news last week that two chimpanzees attacked human visitors and their keepers, it is apparent that the long-feared war between the two species has begun. This afternoon, the Joint Chiefs of Staff released the following brief statement:
"Al-Qeada. Iraq. WMD. These have been the bold-faced threats that have occupied our military's best minds. Today, we add to the top of that list the Apes. We include all their kind, of course: the chimps, for they are the smartest. The gorillas, for they are the strongest. The oragangatans, because they can drive trucks. We must recall the ancient prophecy that foretells how they will enslave us all with fishnets and bamboo cages. In a joint CIA-NASA operation, specially trained astronauts have been assigned to hunt down the terror monkeys where they may hide: the jungles, the caves, Six-Flags Wild Safari, Disneyland, the head of the Statue of Liberty... Scientists around the world have just been informed that their rhesus monkeys may also have infected themselves with either the ebola or the "rage" virus. Recorded monkey chatter and howling have confirmed that their leader, the mysterious White Ape who lives somewhere in the diamond rich nation of Congo, shall direct these monkeys who live among us to spread their bio-hazardous payload.
"Mankind must understand that the apes and monkeys are no longer content to pick lice from the backs of their comrades. No. They have now aimed their filthy paws...at us."
The Joint Chiefs then filed out of the briefing room before reporters could ask any further questions. Nevertheless, an unnamed source did inform this reporter that earlier this morning, a chimpanzee pilot escaped into an experimental scout ship off the International Space Station and completed the first FTL jump in history. This occured just before the military shut down the project. The chimpanzee's destination remains unknown at this time...
Apes, monkeys and their simian cousins have long been considered mankind's unlucky evolutionary lottery relations: rude, simple and remarkably useless, they have been kept safe in preserves and zoos for our children to gawk at and pity. But with news last week that two chimpanzees attacked human visitors and their keepers, it is apparent that the long-feared war between the two species has begun. This afternoon, the Joint Chiefs of Staff released the following brief statement:
"Al-Qeada. Iraq. WMD. These have been the bold-faced threats that have occupied our military's best minds. Today, we add to the top of that list the Apes. We include all their kind, of course: the chimps, for they are the smartest. The gorillas, for they are the strongest. The oragangatans, because they can drive trucks. We must recall the ancient prophecy that foretells how they will enslave us all with fishnets and bamboo cages. In a joint CIA-NASA operation, specially trained astronauts have been assigned to hunt down the terror monkeys where they may hide: the jungles, the caves, Six-Flags Wild Safari, Disneyland, the head of the Statue of Liberty... Scientists around the world have just been informed that their rhesus monkeys may also have infected themselves with either the ebola or the "rage" virus. Recorded monkey chatter and howling have confirmed that their leader, the mysterious White Ape who lives somewhere in the diamond rich nation of Congo, shall direct these monkeys who live among us to spread their bio-hazardous payload.
"Mankind must understand that the apes and monkeys are no longer content to pick lice from the backs of their comrades. No. They have now aimed their filthy paws...at us."
The Joint Chiefs then filed out of the briefing room before reporters could ask any further questions. Nevertheless, an unnamed source did inform this reporter that earlier this morning, a chimpanzee pilot escaped into an experimental scout ship off the International Space Station and completed the first FTL jump in history. This occured just before the military shut down the project. The chimpanzee's destination remains unknown at this time...
posted by Alan at 4:30 PM
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