Dear God, our Traditional Values are not extreme enough for You...yet...
Oh God of All that is Good and Pure! The prayers of those who love all that You represent have been answered! The Education Secretary has forced PBS from airing a program in which an animated bunny visits Vermont families with lesbian parents. Vermont has always thought itself to be holier than thou New Englanders, what with their ski slopes and maple syrup and industrious spirit... but Holy Father, how can maple syrup be so wrong? Oh, and of course the rejection of the "alternative lifestyle." Rabbits that wear clothes and walk on their hind legs are totally freaky. But we can do better. We must, Lord, do better, and I have plans... Consider the following:
1. Promote more marriage. I only vote for politicians with two or more marriages. People like Ronald Reagan, Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani show that if your union isn't holy enough the first time around, try again with younger, sexier seconds. The problem must be with my first wife, not my infidelity.
2. Less science, more faith. When I have cancer and other injuries and maladies, You, Lord of Healing, will cure me through prayer and belief, not through good diet, exercise, surgery, medication, rehabilitation and rest. What do evoloutionist, research-based medical doctors know about the human body?
3. What alternative lifestyle? Lord of Holy-Sanctioned Heterosexual Hijinks, there are other family lifestyles that demand Your Ultimate Wrath, such as orphanages, group homes, foster homes, homes where grandparents take care of crack-addicted grandchildren, adult homes, nursing homes, college dorms, MTV homes, Wife-Swapping homes, homes with single people and cats... Family values begin with two adults of the opposite sex, say a DWI convicted husband and a corrupt, corporate CEO mother.
4. Love You more than Iran. On the Who Loves God More Purely Index, Iran is run by a Holy Order of male elders who know and love You best (Allah, Jehovah, the Almighty... they're all Your call signs, you Top Gun of the Universal Aircraft Carrier). Until our priests and preachers can be elected to the top levels of government and issue edicts straight from the Bible, our country will be considered the Mexicos and Italys of theocracies around the world. God, we are so inefficient in passing laws that bind women to their homes...
5. Outlaw fertility clinics. Oh, God of Fruits and Mulitiplication, only you should hold the Power of Creation. When couples thank You for conceiving eight or twenty children on the same day, they make a mockery of Your Power. I know that You certainly did not want them to be saddled with crippling medical, grocery and college bills. Sure, they get to go on the morning shows and they exult in Your Glory, but when the spotlight fades and the diapers start to fill, only You know what they're really wishing (Hansel and Gretel? China's One Baby policy?).
These are only a few of my post-neo-arch-conservative suggestions. If You agree with me, Oh God of Everything except the Internet, show me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. Thy will be done.
On a lighter note: I did three days of jury duty this week. My brain felt like it had been turned into the stuff one uses to insulate walls. But I performed my civic duty and took part as the ultimate leverage by helping two sides to settle a civil case before arguments were heard. All I did was sit on my poor, achy butt. So much power, and at $40 a day!
1. Promote more marriage. I only vote for politicians with two or more marriages. People like Ronald Reagan, Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani show that if your union isn't holy enough the first time around, try again with younger, sexier seconds. The problem must be with my first wife, not my infidelity.
2. Less science, more faith. When I have cancer and other injuries and maladies, You, Lord of Healing, will cure me through prayer and belief, not through good diet, exercise, surgery, medication, rehabilitation and rest. What do evoloutionist, research-based medical doctors know about the human body?
3. What alternative lifestyle? Lord of Holy-Sanctioned Heterosexual Hijinks, there are other family lifestyles that demand Your Ultimate Wrath, such as orphanages, group homes, foster homes, homes where grandparents take care of crack-addicted grandchildren, adult homes, nursing homes, college dorms, MTV homes, Wife-Swapping homes, homes with single people and cats... Family values begin with two adults of the opposite sex, say a DWI convicted husband and a corrupt, corporate CEO mother.
4. Love You more than Iran. On the Who Loves God More Purely Index, Iran is run by a Holy Order of male elders who know and love You best (Allah, Jehovah, the Almighty... they're all Your call signs, you Top Gun of the Universal Aircraft Carrier). Until our priests and preachers can be elected to the top levels of government and issue edicts straight from the Bible, our country will be considered the Mexicos and Italys of theocracies around the world. God, we are so inefficient in passing laws that bind women to their homes...
5. Outlaw fertility clinics. Oh, God of Fruits and Mulitiplication, only you should hold the Power of Creation. When couples thank You for conceiving eight or twenty children on the same day, they make a mockery of Your Power. I know that You certainly did not want them to be saddled with crippling medical, grocery and college bills. Sure, they get to go on the morning shows and they exult in Your Glory, but when the spotlight fades and the diapers start to fill, only You know what they're really wishing (Hansel and Gretel? China's One Baby policy?).
These are only a few of my post-neo-arch-conservative suggestions. If You agree with me, Oh God of Everything except the Internet, show me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. Thy will be done.
On a lighter note: I did three days of jury duty this week. My brain felt like it had been turned into the stuff one uses to insulate walls. But I performed my civic duty and took part as the ultimate leverage by helping two sides to settle a civil case before arguments were heard. All I did was sit on my poor, achy butt. So much power, and at $40 a day!
posted by Alan at 7:54 AM
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