The Inauguration, or how I stopped hating the Republicans and learned to be passive-aggressive
Disillusioned and angry Americans have urged others to protest the President's Inauguration today by either going out in the cold D.C. weather and turning their backs or closing their wallets and avoiding retail stores in order to drive an economic point. I don't really understand how these forms of protests will actually embarass the President or make any lasting impression. I offer a list of alternatives to the sad, the broken, and the self-appointed rabble-rouser:
1. Feed a donkey and ignore an elephant. Size matters in America. Donkeys will grow bigger and stronger. Soon a whole team of them can ambush an emaciated, weakened elephant. The symbol of vote suppression and champagne drinkers will be humiliated, forcing the Republicans to choose another animal not indigenious to America to represent them. How about the platypus? Chock full of all sorts of animals stitched together by God Himself, the platypus can represent their metaphorical racial and political tent. Unlike other animals, it has not shown itself to be gay in over-populated cages and boxes.
2. Pass Canadian change to the postal office clerk. When he objects, ask him how insulting America's ally will help the war on terror.
3. Make a quiche. Throw in some bacon and chopped chiorizo. Present it as a gift to your congressman and explain that it is a Tex-Mex pizza. Voila! Internationalism at its best and most deceitful.
4. Hire an American to be your nanny/housekeeper/gardener. We can show the world that we have homegrown talent for these jobs. By gob, there's got to be college graduates ready to fill those positions held now by these illegals! Bernie Kerik, why do you hate American workers?
5. After you've hired that solid American, pay taxes on their wages. We won't weaken America by avoiding the FICA, Disability, Unemployment, and Medicare taxes. Bernie Kerik, you're a tax-avoiding terrorist... thanks for making my retirement plans that less secure.
6. Learn the Canadian national anthem. It's easier to sing and remember: "Oh, Canada! Our home and native land. True patriot love, in all they sons' command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the true north strong and free. From afar and wide, Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep thy land, glorious and free. Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee! Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee!" It's less stress on your voice and has fewer high notes to reach. Besides, if you want to move there, you'd better know it. They ask at the border.
7. Order a plate of french fries. Go on. Don't be a Republican by avoiding potatoes grown in the U.S.A. Support our farmers, why don't you?
There you go. Some simple ways to demonstrate your protest. Enjoy!
1. Feed a donkey and ignore an elephant. Size matters in America. Donkeys will grow bigger and stronger. Soon a whole team of them can ambush an emaciated, weakened elephant. The symbol of vote suppression and champagne drinkers will be humiliated, forcing the Republicans to choose another animal not indigenious to America to represent them. How about the platypus? Chock full of all sorts of animals stitched together by God Himself, the platypus can represent their metaphorical racial and political tent. Unlike other animals, it has not shown itself to be gay in over-populated cages and boxes.
2. Pass Canadian change to the postal office clerk. When he objects, ask him how insulting America's ally will help the war on terror.
3. Make a quiche. Throw in some bacon and chopped chiorizo. Present it as a gift to your congressman and explain that it is a Tex-Mex pizza. Voila! Internationalism at its best and most deceitful.
4. Hire an American to be your nanny/housekeeper/gardener. We can show the world that we have homegrown talent for these jobs. By gob, there's got to be college graduates ready to fill those positions held now by these illegals! Bernie Kerik, why do you hate American workers?
5. After you've hired that solid American, pay taxes on their wages. We won't weaken America by avoiding the FICA, Disability, Unemployment, and Medicare taxes. Bernie Kerik, you're a tax-avoiding terrorist... thanks for making my retirement plans that less secure.
6. Learn the Canadian national anthem. It's easier to sing and remember: "Oh, Canada! Our home and native land. True patriot love, in all they sons' command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the true north strong and free. From afar and wide, Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep thy land, glorious and free. Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee! Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee!" It's less stress on your voice and has fewer high notes to reach. Besides, if you want to move there, you'd better know it. They ask at the border.
7. Order a plate of french fries. Go on. Don't be a Republican by avoiding potatoes grown in the U.S.A. Support our farmers, why don't you?
There you go. Some simple ways to demonstrate your protest. Enjoy!
posted by Alan at 7:02 AM
4 Comments:
You, my friend, are a strange but interesting person.
-sean
I'm just trying my best to be the plush bear of politics.
you should write for David Letterman, that was really funny.
I appreciate the flattery. It's really hard to be funny. I admire the professionals as they find just the right words to turn something ordinary or serious into a bright, shiny joke. I wish I could be funny everyday, but sometimes I just don't have enough material...
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