Uninusured & Underemployed cancer patient feels bad for Tony Snow

(AP) George Burke, a 56 year old former help desk technician for any number of American corporations having subcontracted their services overseas, felt really bad the other day when he saw Tony Snow being interviewed on NBC about his recurring colon cancer. Embolden by Mr. Snow's endurance, perserverance, and health insurance, Mr. Burke decided not to blame his own lack of access to medical care. "After all," he said, "I simply chose the wrong profession at the wrong time and got let go. Again. And again. Those Indians can just do a much better job than we can, and more efficiently. And cheaper. Much, much cheaper. Gosh, how do they do it?" Now sort of employed as a temp, he refuses to blame his employer for not working enough hours to qualify for a health plan in which he would have had to contribute bi-weekly for an HMO that his favorite doctor is not a member. Instead, he ignores the crippling pain in his own stomach and politely coughs in the other direction when in the company of his friends and family. "Now Tony, he's got it rough. Can you imagine the side effects from chemo? Having to feel the pity of all those White House reporters while they simulataneously trying to pick him apart during those daily press briefings? I was really moved when he started to cry. It reminds me of those nights when I find myself immobile from the tumor pressing against my solar plexus." Asked if he felt any resentment or jealously, Mr. Burke bravely answered: "Nah. Whatever happens, happens. In America, either you got health insurance, or you don't. I just gotta tough (cough, cough) it out."

Congress to cut war funding; Bush applies for HELOC loan

(AP) As Congress pushed ahead to pass a bill withdrawing funding from the war in Iraq, President Bush went ahead with Plan B and took possession of all privately owned homes in America through eminent domain. White House spokesman Tony Snow sought to downplay this unprecedented move: "Listen people, the bottom line is that right now, the war is costing us $180 billion dollars a year. The total real estate mortage is, what, $6 trillion dollars? Oh baby, we could stomp Al Queda and all those goddamn insurgents all day and night long. We'd never leave! I mean, eventually, of course..."

Subprime mortgage lenders also looked forward to the U.S. Government as its biggest, and only customer. Said one lender who wished to remain anonymous: "You'd think the government would default on a loan? I think not. Besides, the People of the United States can be assured that we can arrange a modest 6.5% on a 30 year adjustable mortgage. Add a HELOC loan with an introductory rate of 7.75% for the first six months, I think America can buy itself out of this war in a matter of months. If not, well, I guess Congress can just raise taxes to pay the exorbitant rise in interest rates next year."

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, vacationing overseas, was reached for comment. Just before collapsing, he was heard to mutter: "Oh. My. God."

Blogger returns to own blog 18 months later, finds USA still stuck with Bush

This blogger returns after a self-imposed exile, having found new employment, watched the birth of his first child, and tickled himself pink over watching her grow from a little hungry, sleepy lump into a little walking terror. His job now done, having laid down the seeds for a malevolent power queen who will control and destroy all that is good on this dark, sorry planet, the blogger reclaims his throne only to discover that no one has missed him at all... it's true. Zero people bothered to even glance at this blog. But who is to blame but the blogger himself. If only he hadn't forgotten his password. If only he hadn't given up trying all sorts of combinations. If only the epiphany that finally brought back the key to his realm had happened months ago instead of last night...

Anyway, so what did I miss?

1. The country is still at war in Iraq. More troops are being sent in because, um, we' re losing. But if we retreat, then we'd really lose even more, so they say. Wow, if this doesn't sound like a gambling addiction, I don't know what is.

2. Tony Snow goes from Fox News fake reporter to real life White House spokesman. I think this bodes well for a Jon Stewart State Department appointment. Which I like.

3. Alberto Gonzalez, the Attorney General, is under fire for removing Federal Prosecutors who belonged to his own party for doing their jobs as loyal Americans, not as Republican lackeys and sweeping corruption under the rug. But these prosecutors were protecting our interests and keeping our country safe, weren't they?

4. Battlestar Galactica is still on the air. Yeah! Take that American Idol and Grey's Anatomy and... oh, they have better ratings. So what? I still like Earl Grey frakin' hot! And no lemons with that tea, please.

See you next time. If I still remember my password. Please visit often. Please?

Happy Birthday to me...soon!

With my birthday coming up soon, I have made a list of wishes below that might come true if I can manage to blow out every single candle on my cake. In all honesty, I have always been ambivalent about celebrating my birthday. Perhaps it's because it just embarasses me when my family makes a fuss about where to go and what to do. On the other hand, it's nice to know that people care, I guess.

1. I hope that our little fetus continues to be healthy and grows up to be a happy baby. That seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? But not every parent wishes that, unfortunately... just open up any paper to read how terrible people can be.
2. I'd like to continue looking at least five to seven years younger than my actual age. This makes me just as vain as any normal person. Look at me, I'm average!
3. I wish that on the actual anniversary of my birthday, the sun is shiny and the weather is cool, not too humid, and the wind blows fresh. I'm actually a pretty easy person to satisfy.
4. I'd like to get something off my Amazon wish list. Okay, so I can be a little greedy. But see #2 above on me being an average person.
5. I'd like the American people to realize what a nut Pres. Bush really is. Hey, look at the approval ratings from the latest ABC News/Wall Street Journal poll... only 36% feel he's doing a good job. I guess dreams can come true!

Fetus ignores sonogram, shows backside

In the past few weeks, my life has been preoccupied with making sure that my wife and little fetus are doing well. This has meant taking her to the clinic for visits and tests. At twenty weeks, we are happy to discover the following results:

* Little baby is a girl. We have decided to name her Madeleine.
* She is 12 ounces. This is normal weight for her.
* Results of the genetic testing from the amniocentesis came back normal. Woo hoo! Unfortunately, this means no mutant powers. Too bad. She could have been the next Jean Grey.
* From the latest sonogram, she has a normal four chambered heart. Spine looks normal. Nothing of the Alien type with a spiked tail.
* The technician who did the sonogram told us she has a long neck. I am already predicting that she might have a modeling career. I will charge only a 6% commission for services as a tyranical parent agent.
* At this point in little Maddy's development, her auditory system is not fully developed. This means that all of the conversations I've had with her in the middle of the night while her mother slept has been in vain. I will have to re-teach her the alphabet and all the Beatles' lyrics at 7 months when she can begin to actually hear.
* I think she likes lasagna. Or my wife could actually be lying and attributing it to little Maddy. I am not quite sure at the moment. In any case, there is only one piece of lasagna left in the fridge and chances are highly unlikely that it will be available for me tonight.
* I am already plotting a benign conspiracy against my wife that involves little Maddy. If all goes well, she will learn Spanish from her abuelita, Chinese from my parents, and a little French from me. Because my wife does not understand Chinese and French, I can engage in duplicitious behavior with Maddy's help right under my wife's nose. Bwahahaha! My wife, when told of this plan, was not entirely happy.

So life has been busy, a little scary, and, well, more busy. But it has not been without some true happiness...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes expecting baby: Scientologists await their Messiah

With the unexpected pregnancy of his girlfriend, Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise now seems less gay and a bit more of a perverted old dude. Fans of the movie Rosemary's Baby can now expect a sequel...

Fox News Talking Heads dream of candyland slides and assassins

While trolling through the Fox News webpage, I found myself nauseated by the most pompous, retarded, special ed quality of writing and analysis ever produced by a group of wealthy, white men:

Neil Cavuto (10/4/05)
I love working in New York City. But you know something? I really like leaving New York City. I've been doing this show from around the country as I continue my book tour for "Your Money or Your Life." It's taken me to California and Florida, Georgia and soon Michigan, Texas, Alabama, Virginia and Tennessee. And many more. At each stop, with each signing, I get to see the people who e-mail me, even some who don't necessarily flip over me. But, to a man or woman, they want to talk to me... They are the salt of the Earth. Far from what many in my business no doubt see as the "center" of the Earth. New York is a great city. But it is only one city in a much greater country. Where people talk about FOX News being their salvation and this portly anchor as their tonic. Some say they're honored to see me in the flesh. I let them know, the real honor, is being with them... in the flesh.

I hadn't realized that a corporate entity could achieve Godhood. Is Neil Cavuto it's Pope? And if it is a "real honor" to be with them...in the flesh, perhaps he should hold open office hours for the public to come and visit.

Now for the psychotic, paranoid ravings of Bill O'Reilly on the subject of bloggers who disagree with him (10/4/05):
I think they're the worst, although Smoking Gun is awful. But Media Matters — this is a George Soros funded thing. They've got a lot of money. They have no ethics or scruples... I think Soros, his money that goes in, and then hires these assassins, does damage. I mean, these are the people who damaged William Bennett. And they tried to damage me...here's the dangerous thing. They also have access to the major newspapers like The New York Times, The L.A. Times, The New York Daily News, Newsday, Washington Post. They have certain columnists that they are friendly with and they spit this stuff right into those columnists...Then they call you for comment. They print the slander and then they print all the defamation, and then they call you — come on. That makes it OK?...They can make stuff up — look, they make stuff about me every day...And believe me, I've got to have bodyguards. I've got to have security wherever I go. And it's because of them. I don't fear them; I loathe them.

I think if he were nicer and less prone to hallucinations, he might not need bodyguards. And William Bennett...hmmm, he was the one who said that we could abort all the black babies in the country if we wanted to reduce crime, not that we should because it's reprehensible (wink, wink).

Maybe if we wanted a more civil society, we should abort anyone white and over 40 who works at Fox News?

President Bush names former babysitter to Head of Homeland Security

Today, President Bush nominated his personal legal counsel, Harriet Miers, to be the next Supreme Court Justice. I can safely say that after having been exposed to the Republican cronyism involved in picking Mr. Michael "I have no disaster preparation whatsoever but I'm a Bush man to the end" Brown to head FEMA, meritocracy is dead in America.

How is it that with all the experienced judges in all the land, both conservative and liberal, Democrat and Republican, not one of them could be considered more qualified than the one he chose, a lawyer with no experience on the bench whatsoever? Some analysts say that he deliberately chose someone without any judicial rulings/paper trail to avoid a protracted Democrat attack on his nominee's legal philosophy.

But he also insulted a whole profession with the message that despite how hard you work, no matter the intellectual debate and dilemmas that you have had to resolve, you will never be a Supreme Court Justice unless you are a member of my inner circle.

See the line? How far you go in your career depends on which side of it you stand.

I'm all for recommending people you know, of course. That's what networking is all about. But this is the Supreme Court, for frakkin' sake! We're talking about judges who judge for a living!

I just don't understand how Americans can continue to tolerate this President's policy of stacking his friends into positions that require expertise and experience. How much more of this "Michael Browning" can America?

I really shudder to think whom he will consider to take over other important positions. Should his former first grade teacher become his Secretary of Education? How about his personal gardner as head of the Environmental Protection Agency?

I guess we have more in common with Third World politics than we thought.